Ringkasan dibuat dengan bantuan AI • Belum diverifikasi
Ceramah ini membahas tentang penerimaan diri, rasa memiliki, dan bagaimana mengatasi kecemasan serta ketakutan, terutama dalam konteks meditasi. Dimulai dengan pertanyaan seorang peserta tentang nafas yang 'tidak mau berteman', yang mengarah pada diskusi tentang ketidaknyamanan dalam meditasi yang sering kali berakar dari luka masa kecil. Venerable Radha menceritakan kisah seorang wanita yang mengalami penolakan dari ayahnya, yang membentuk persepsi diri negatif dan kecemasan yang menghalangi meditasinya. Ia menjelaskan bahwa kecemasan (kukkucca) dan kegelisahan merupakan salah satu dari lima rintangan dalam meditasi, yang dapat menyebabkan ketegangan fisik dan mental. Untuk mengatasinya, ia memandu meditasi yang berfokus pada relaksasi tubuh dan menggunakan nafas sebagai teman untuk melepaskan ketegangan, mengundang perasaan aman dan nyaman. Selanjutnya, dalam diskusi tentang pilihan dan lima agregat (khandha), ia menjelaskan bagaimana persepsi dan kesadaran mempengaruhi perasaan tidak berdaya. Ia menekankan bahwa mengakui bahwa kita punya pilihan bisa menakutkan karena berarti harus bertanggung jawab, namun penting untuk mencari dukungan dari teman yang mendukung dan mengandalkan nafas sebagai teman sejati. Pesan utamanya adalah bahwa dengan menerima diri sendiri dan menghadapi kecemasan melalui meditasi, kita dapat menemukan rasa memiliki dan kedamaian batin.
So there I was, one of, I can't even remember how long ago that was, February? March? I can't remember, April?
So this was 4 months ago, same time, 7 o'clock, and here I was sitting saying,
if you can be friends with your breath, when you sit and your friend is right here,
it's so nice and comfortable, especially if you trust that friend.
That friend is like your BFF best friend for life, the most trusted, the one who's really reliable.
If you're sitting with that friend here, your mind will automatically stay,
because it's nice to be here sitting with a friend, and when it's nice sitting here with your friend,
You don't even have to focus on your breath, it's just, my breath is so nice.
Your breath is sitting here, or you are sitting on the shoulders of your breath.
Then after I gave that explanation, as I always do, I would say, any questions, any comments?
And then one hand rose, and she asked, what if my breath doesn't want to be friends with me?
And I did exactly what you guys are doing, I sniggered and laughed, and what kind of
question is that?
But then, after a while, I got my senses together and said, well, the way I understand it, when
something like that happens, more often than not, there is something that I don't understand.
It's something inside that you don't like.
It's like coming home to a home where there are elements in the home that is not pleasant.
So then it's like, oh, I don't want to be here, I want to be somewhere else.
And when that's the feeling, your meditation becomes a bit more challenging, as you can imagine.
So that was it.
That was my explanation, and then, alright, here we go, close your eyes, sit comfortably,
and then we did 30-40 minutes of meditation.
And then at the end of meditation, I went, DUNG!
And then again, any comments, any questions?
And then, ah, what did you say just now before we started?
When I was seven years old, right?
My father said to me,
I don't want you as my daughter.
And that took a while to sink in, but when it does sink in, you realize, oh, that would
have hurt.
That would have badly hurt.
And for a seven-year-old, you will start wondering, why, why, why did, why did father say that?
And you'll keep on wondering until you're, I don't know how many years old you are now.
Ah.
You will keep on wondering right through your teenage years, your young adult years.
And by that time, you would have burned these thoughts into your neurons.
And you would have this perception of self that was colored by that one sentence.
And unfortunately, I realized that.
I related that story to, I don't know how many people who saw that, saw the videos.
I also related the story to the guys in Karnak prison.
And they all could connect with something like that.
And there was something else I read before called the adverse childhood experience.
And I kind of understood what was going on also from that.
They kind of say that, all right, if you had difficulties in your childhood, if your parents
were...
Were mean to you or were abusive or were neglectful or weren't present, as a young child, you
would keep asking questions in your mind, why, why, why, why?
And I never understood that because I was, I suppose I never felt that from my own parents.
So when I went to school, and the teacher is upfront trying to teach me two times two
equals four, two times three equals six, two times four equals eight, I was listening and
paying attention.
But I suspect Gloria would be sitting there wondering, two times two equals, but why did
father say that?
Two times three equals, and then you can imagine then your children suffer because of little
sentences like that.
As adults.
We also suffer.
But not quite as bad.
Because I suppose by the time we become adults, we can have some confidence, we have developed
a habit of thought.
But as children, as your brain is forming, and you're learning how to think, how to explore,
navigate the world, you develop strategies, and you develop questions.
And some of these strategies can be very debilitating.
And one of them, I recently discovered, again, through talking to somebody else who also
had a difficult childhood, and he was telling me, he can't stop moving, even as he spoke
to me on the phone, he had to be either peeling potatoes, or cleaning the dishes, or something.
Because he felt uncomfortable.
He felt uncomfortable.
To just sit and do nothing.
Then I paid notice to the tone of his voice, and you could hear the little bit of jitteriness,
the brittleness that is characteristic of somebody who's anxious, rather than somebody
who's relaxed and laid back.
So I asked him, have you done any meditation?
Yes.
Because he has done Ajahn Brahm's 9-day retreat before, and he enjoyed it, at Jhana Grove.
So he tells me he can't sit, just too uncomfortable.
So on the phone, I said, can we just try, sit down, close your eyes, and bring your
attention to the abdominal area, and then after a few minutes, how do you feel?
Very uneasy, very uncomfortable.
Can you describe what is uncomfortable?
There's a feeling of wanting to run away.
So very similar to what Gloria was saying, what if my breath doesn't want to be friends
with me, how can I hang out in the same place?
But this guy, because he has done those 9-day retreats, I said, okay, let's sit with it
for a little bit more.
Tell me a bit more what's going on.
And in a previous conversation, we did identify that he could close his eyes and see his 5-year-old
self, could see his 9-year-old self in his thoughts.
And he could feel, for example, that that 5-year-old just want to scream and shout and
want to revolt, that the 9-year-old want to go and play computer games late into the early
morning.
And they would have a confrontation of sorts inside his own head, or inside his own heart.
So in this case, he could say, yes, the two of them are here, then I suggested, can you
make peace, be kind, be gentle with those two?
Can you draw them near, give them a hug or something?
And he says, no, they don't want to come near.
They are in the room.
They are in the room.
But at the far periphery.
Then I said, well, for them to come near, you yourself mustn't be, mustn't appear scary.
Can you lower your own anxiety level?
And at that point, he said, oh, I didn't know I'm so, I am so anxious.
The chest feels tight.
Even though 3 minutes.
Earlier, we said, relax your muscles, relax your chest and sit yourself comfortably.
By the time he noticed his two younger selves in the room, he felt distressed, anxious.
And since then, I now understand a bit more about what the Buddha called the five hindrances.
And you will know the five hindrances if you've been following Ajahn Brahm.
Sensual pleasure, ill will, sloth and torpor, restlessness and remorse.
That's number four, plus doubt.
We don't talk about doubt very much because doubt is sort of like a, how much do you believe
in the Buddha's teaching?
How much do you believe in the Dhamma?
Okay.
And Ajahn Brahm had always said, well, sleepiness, restlessness, remorse and all this is just
manifestation of the first two.
Which is sensual pleasure and ill will.
But I now discovered, when I looked it up, what is the Pali word for anxious?
And it turned out to be the same word for remorse.
As in, if you look in the dictionary for the word Kukucha, first definition, remorse.
Second definition, anxiety.
And so.
So if you have anxiety, it actually obstructs meditation.
And then, so since then, I kind of, when I went to Karnat at the prison and when I did
the teaching in Nolamara, I suggested, a lot of times, even for myself, I can feel it.
When you say, okay, relax your muscles and you encounter muscles that don't really want
to relax.
As if you have stubborn muscles that just hangs on tight.
And then, okay, can you go, look for an associated anxiety to that tightness?
And it turns out often we can find an anxiety behind that, that is causing the tightness
not to let go.
So, the goal of...
Well, that's a goal for this evening's meditation.
The learning management.
the learning i would like to impart is this idea of lowering our anxiety levels
i was saying in the nolamara anxiety
quite often the people who have it don't realize they have it but the people from outside if you're
looking you can tell it's like a bit like a pot of water that is simmering just about bubbling
and then the next guy who's laid back is like a cold pot of water if you put fire under each one
it doesn't take much to boil over the one with anxiety the other one will take a long time for
it to come to boil and uh if you think back your friends and family you'll probably recognize
those who are those who have a short fuse
probably have high anxiety all the time if only we
can lower the temperature and all be a lot more peaceful a lot more laid back and happy
so that's that's what i'm going to try and guide tonight's meditation it's all right
okay uh any questions any comments okay all good um okay so as you're sitting there
find yourself in as comfortable a position as you can possibly position yourself
in such a way that your backbone and your head can can stay sort of upright doesn't have to be
perfectly upright
important than upright is to be able to relax. That you don't need muscles much
to stay in that posture. If you have to hold a tight posture or hold a tight
muscle in order to stay upright, see if you can relax a bit more and get into a
really comfortable posture. And then once you get there, bring your attention
inwards to under your skin within your body. And I would typically like to start
at the abdominal area to relax the muscles that are in front as well as the
muscles around the back at the lumbar area behind the kidneys. Antagonistic
muscles, one bends your body forward the other back.
In order to keep your body upright, both have to do their part. But more often
than not, we are stressing both muscles more than necessary. Use just the minimal
amount of muscle power. And then if there are muscles that are tight on the left
and right, relax those too. The reason I start this way is because
as soon, you'll find that there's a lot more space in the abdominal cavity.
it's not so tight.
And depending on which part of the world you're in, you might feel dinner going
through your guts or breakfast or lunch or whatever.
And the other thing that happens,
breath ... our best
friend comes to greet us as if we've just come home. If you perceive the
the breath as the homemaker, the friend. And what joy it is to come home and somebody receives
you immediately. And the sensation of that rise and fall of the breath, you can recognise
it as very soothing, very reassuring. Perceiving the breath like that, you hardly need any
effort at all to pay attention. You just love to stare at the breath.
The next thing I ask people to do is to read the breath. If you ask, if you meet a friend
elsewhere on the street, you say, how are you today? But we know the breath doesn't
speak. Even so, you can ask, how are you breath? And you'll get an answer.
I would like to invite you, together with breath, to do that body scan. First, around
the abdominal area, the body rises and falls with the breath. See if there's any tightness,
tiredness or injuries around the abdominal area. If there is, allow that movement of
rise and fall to slowly.
Massage the parts and get that part to relax. And you might also want to check if there's
an anxiety associated with that tightness. The compassion on your part and the gentleness
on the breath's part bring kindness and soothing to your body. When you're ready, you can move
on to the upper part.
The upper part of the body, the chest area, the thorax, including the back, the muscles
between the ribs and the shoulders. Wherever there's a need, you provide the kindness and
the breath will massage it in.
Check if there's bits of anxieties hanging in the muscles. I should also say that while
you're doing this, enjoy.
Enjoy.
The partnership and the company of the breath. It's as if the two of you are doing
this together as buddies.
And then, when you're set, move up again. Now, to the neck area, as well as your jaws,
movement from the breath is probably less, but still, there's a slight rise and fall
when you're ready.
Enjoy.
again. Move on to the face area, the cheeks, the nose, the mouth, the eyes, the
eyeballs especially. Even here there's a very slight rise and fall movement. Even
here you can check if there's anxieties associated with any tensions here. You can
now also include the forehead area as well as the brain cavity area. If you think too
much or worry too much and you look at the brain area, you get this feeling of
the brain being
having been squashed and crumpled up for a long time. Now as you breathe in through
your nostrils, try and fluff up the brain again and stop yourself squashing the
brain. Be kind to the brain. Breathe in fresh air. Breathe out stale air. Freshen up
the brain cavity. And then when you're ready,
you can move on to the next area.
You might want to scan the whole body again to see if you have missed any spots. Scan
not just for physical tightness, but also for anxiety tightness. Seems to share the
same 3D space, but you won't see it unless you look for it. When you find it, you provide
the kindness and the breath, the gentleness, the calmness, the calmness, the calmness,
the calmness. Work together. Enjoy the company as you do. The rise and the fall of the breath
can be very pleasant if you like. You can try and experiment. Explore and see perhaps
beyond the physical and the anxious dimensions. Is there an emotional
injury carried in the body? If you find any, same thing. You bring the kindness and let
the breath massage it in. Fascinating to watch the breath do its magic. Okay, I gave
you an interesting proposition. We have been taking care of the abdominal muscles, the
abdominal cavity, the thoracic chest area, the neck, the jaw, the face, the brain. Then
we scan the body again. Then we scan for emotional injuries. You have done a lot of work. You
deserve to be pampered. Please allow yourself, the observing mind, to be pampered by the breath.
As if to be able to close your mental eye and allow that breath to take care of you.
And trust the body to the breath for the next 10 or 15 minutes. And allow the mind to passively
receive TLC. I have this image of a baby sleeping on the shoulders of a mother without a care
in the world.
And that's what I invite you to do on the shoulders of the breath. If you're having
trouble letting go, check where's the anxiety and let breath go there.
I would like to point out the pleasure and the beauty of the breath is actually in the
details.
The closer you get, the more pleasure the rise and the fall feels like. The closer you
observe, the more attractive it is. If you haven't already, try letting go of the body
and just hang out with the breath. Allow your attention to be completely absorbed by the
rise and fall of the breath.
Sit quietly.
You can sometimes find yourself distracted by thoughts. If that is the case, the trick
that I like to use is to rediscover the pleasure of the rise and fall. To go back close to
the breath again and experience the pleasure again.
We're coming close to the end.
Perhaps another two minutes. Please enjoy the breath. Say your goodbyes to the breath.
Make sure we do not take for granted this beautiful experience we just had.
Any questions? Any comments? All good?
I have things to say.
Yeah?
I feel like today my breathing is like more of a friend to me than last time.
So...
Yeah, so I guess we hang out together better now. And it's not really, like, I have a,
I don't know if that's reflection or something like me, but that is something that was, like,
on my mind recently. It has, it was on my mind, like, in the past as well, because I
have people say to me, like, you always have a choice in life.
It's not.
It's not the only time that people say it to me. I have multiple people that will say to me, like,
you have a choice.
Yeah.
That you can choose.
Yeah.
But I think a lot of the time I have a very strong feeling, like, I don't really
have a choice in life. And then that is, like, and then when they said it to me, I kind of feel,
I guess I feel triggered. And then I will get a little bit, I will get angry with that.
And I will say, like, and then I will say something, like, I don't really
feel like I have a choice. And then they will just say that you have a choice.
And then it was, like, it was bugging me. It was really bugging me because,
because that is not consistent with my feeling.
I sort of, like, understand what they're talking about. But then when I reflect on,
because that, that is, like,
Yeah.
That is, like, kind of, like, a conditioning or stuff.
Exactly.
Like, I just, yeah, I would say, I would always say stuff, like, I don't have a choice.
I cannot do this. And then, yeah, I was still trying to, like, process.
What leads to me to have this kind of feeling.
But that is, like, a very, a very,
I guess, a very prevalent feeling for me in general.
The Buddha had an interesting explanation. And he called it...
He had this model called the Five Chanda Model, five aggregates.
i'm not sure whether you've heard it Ajahn Brahm talks about it Ajahn Brahmali talks about it
and it says all sentient beings all living beings are made about five components the physical
body which comes with the eyes ears and nose and tongue and skin and all that
but there are these four mental processes one of them
it is usually translated as feeling vedana but Ajahn Brahm says let's call it experience
so if somebody took something and hit you on the foot or hit you on the head you experience
that hit on the head or something's striking you on the head and you can say it's pleasant
or unpleasant it was a bit for me now not quite gentle so it's neutral
if I hit a bit harder I'd say that's unpleasant if I went and did that I'd say huh that's nice
right that's the experience the contact the sensory inputs number three this
next one is called perception and that's when you add an explanation into your experience
I would see a stick I would say yeah I felt that because I hit my
self with a stick I have an explanation I can see the stick and I
gave that experience meaning and context and then number four is where your volitional
it's called volitional action most of the time is translated as I now see it as volitional reaction
what you experience what you perceive and then you react
and then you have a choice and almost automatically you react and say no I don't
do you actually think about it you don't actually think about it right it's a reaction
then if you have your perception you you can think about it as a volitional reaction
as triggered by that perception and experience and the thing is this experience and especially the
perception needs context in order to to explain if I've never seen this thing before
I would say I got hit by a foreign object but I know this is the mallet for the gong and I would
say I got hit by the mallet of the gong and then for me to know that I must be conditioned to say
this is a mallet of the gong some the English speaking world not how if you knew this if you knew
this was a mallet of a gong then you would say otherwise you call it a stick otherwise you call
it a weapon or whatever the case may be you perceive it and you would give it a name based
on what you've learned before and that's what number five is in the five kind five aggregate
model whatever happens in this tree uh you will understand you will feel the experience yeah
uh last night after the armadillo boundless meditation class i got hit on the head and and
it right appeared very silly to everybody and whatever the story is gets stored
in your consciousness and that consciousness colors the next round of inputs
now if i see this again if i had a terrible experience with this thing i would fear it
but if i enjoyed it i would say hey can i have that again i enjoyed it right so
what you're saying about whether you have a choice or whether you don't have a choice
a lot of it depends on your previous experiences and what you concluded
which is why this idea of perception for example if you think about
your father who said i don't want you as my daughter the moment the image comes up
it's an an uncomfortable feeling it's already planted there it's not that
i think about it and therefore i feel uncomfortable
perception requires past consciousness to tell a story until you change the past the the perception
of all consciousness you will keep telling the same story and therefore you feel like i don't
have a choice every time i think of this person i feel upset um the next question then is how do you
change the perception of this person so that next time i see this face i don't get upset
and the the buddha's teaching here is the four brahma viharas
buddhita and upeka
loving kindness compassion sympathetic joy and equanimity whatever your perception of that person
carry don't carry any perception of ill will or harm if you carry any perception of evil or harm
you don't have a choice you that
feeling of unpleasantness comes up i need to run away i need to revenge i need to
but if your perception is i know what he's going through i i don't have to make it worse for him
i don't have to make it worse for myself i we are all in the same boat or samsara boat
so me punishing him doesn't make me happier me punishing myself doesn't make me happier
me depriving myself of joy doesn't make things right me allowing me to sit down quietly
with my breath is helpful i will allow it because it is nice it is kind
me thinking that i am no good not good enough is not helpful that perception the underlying perception
colors your new perception so the buddha also speaks about this thing called underlying tendencies
and every time he speaks about the five khandhas he speaks about the five senses he says when you
see things don't grasp at it he actually means don't be affected by by a lot of your old conditioning
let them go know that they can be let go of something has happened in the past does it define
you uh you can let it and say therefore i have no choice i am that person or you can say once
upon a time that happened to me today is a new day so uh in some ways your friends are right you have
a choice
uh
yeah
ajahn brahm says this in a different way he says
a lot of times we feel we are stuck in jail
ajahn brahm says the door of the jail the door of the prison is open a lot of times we feel
more comfortable staying inside than to walk out strange i don't know why
yeah i think i i think i understand it to a certain extent like i think i think i'm afraid
I'm sort of afraid to admit that I have a choice in life because I feel like I will
need to go back and face those terrible decisions.
It's not really a terrible decision, I think it's the best.
I have really tried my best, but if I admit that back then I have a choice, I feel like
I choose to, I have chosen to not do anything to prevent those terrible things from happening.
And it really struck me in a certain way, that's why I prefer to say that I don't have
a choice.
I guess that's why I didn't really go back and face those things.
And I will tell you that you're not the first person to feel that way.
All the guys in Carnet feels that way.
This other friend who was the one who told me he can see his five year old and his nine
year old in the same room, he feels that way.
Because if you now say, yeah, I can do something about it, it kind of means, you mean I have
to do something about it.
And then it's, it was easier being the victim, then I don't have to do anything about it.
So yes, I understand it's scary.
I also think what this understanding tells us is that you don't actually have to fix
what you don't want to fix.
It's just there in the past.
The, what Ray, the guy who was telling me about his five year old, what he was saying
was, if I'm no longer sick, then I have to, I don't have a shield anymore to stand behind.
And that's how he felt.
That's how I felt.
That's how I felt as well.
I felt like, I felt like I would lose.
So it's sort of like, because when I say I cannot do this, or I don't have a choice.
You have to go in front of the shield.
Yeah, I felt like I, I felt kind of safe in that position because I don't have a choice.
But if you told me that, but if I admit that I have a choice, then I have to, then I have
to, I have to go around that very field.
And face other people, which I don't really, which I have, which is freaked me out.
It really freaked me out.
Uh, yeah, the thing to do is find friends.
Friends who understand.
Those friends who tell you, you have a choice.
I presume they would understand enough to stand by you.
I think.
I don't know.
I really don't know.
Because I've never.
I don't know.
In the worst case, in the worst case, there's one friend, when you close your eyes and bring
your attention, that the friend will welcome you home and soothe you down.
In the worst case, you have one friend, try, try, try, ask for help.
Friends are not always perfect.
Some friends can offer you an hour a week.
Some friends can offer you two hours a week.
Some friends will be able to answer.
Any distress call at any time of the day, uh, discover who they are, uh, lean on them.
Don't be shy.
There are a lot of friendly faces here on the screen.
Any times he protests that.
Um, okay.
Any other comments?
Yes.
Right.
Well, I'm mute.
Um, it's just a comment.
Yeah.
When you, about choices.
When you say, I don't know.
I don't have a choice.
Wouldn't that be saying that you are making a choice of not having a choice?
Yeah.
Yes.
So I remember what Ajahn Brahm said, the American sprayer, life, liberty, and the pursuit of
happiness.
So he says, don't let anybody else be in charge of your happiness.
I heard him say that more on more than one occasion.
So it is, uh, eventually up to us.
It's difficult.
But we have to cross the bridge.
Especially on the Buddhist path, there's no saviour.
Okay.
Last comments.
I think we are running over time a bit.
Yeah.
All good?
Okay.
Three big sadhus.
Sadhu.
Sadhu.
Sadhu.
Sadhu.
Sadhu.